The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I’ve been quiet all week, not really saying much to my friends. I guess I have been tangled in the web of thought here lately. I guess I have been thinking about everything and nothing at all. I haven’t been dreaming, or really feeling any sort of emotion since I got sick. I have been under so much stress, that I feel buried. SOB #2 really isn’t making anything easier for me. All he is doing is just adding to the stress. But I guess that’s to be expected. I don’t know I am just existing. I am working my ass to make sure she has a better life than myself. There is no way I want her to end up like me. I have been in so many bad situations, I don’t want that for her. Things at work aren’t going so well for me. I need a new job. You would think this dreadful city would be full of jobs for someone with my experience. I hate living here. I can’t wait to move to a smaller town. I miss my home town, things were so simple there. I hate having to stay in the city. I hate having to do everything on my own. Its just so hard. I never thought I would physically ache for being so lonely. I feel like a robot, just going through the motions of life. My family doesn’t approve of my moving to the bigger city, and has turned their back on me. I no longer have that safety net. I have to accept it’s me against the world, fighting the odds. A wise man once said that I am the master of my own fate, and that a smile goes along way. Of course he was hitting on me at the time. Used to pay me a dollar when I was a carhop just to smile at him. All the other carhops hated me, they all lusted after him. I didn’t give him much thought because I was still in love with Mr. N at the time, even though at the time he had cast me aside like trash. If I am the master of my own fate, then do I trust my under developed brain or my oversized heart?Neither one will be the right answer.As I look back on my life I am surprised I have made it this far to be honest. I was supposed to die on my 19th birthday. I am now in my 30’s and am still unsure if I will make it to 40. I know what you are thinking, why the doubt? I don’t know to be honest. I just don’t feel like I belong to the living., Well I mean I guess I do now because of her. But it doesn’t stop this aching feeling. I used to think it was just a void in my heart but now I am not so sure.



I binged ate all day. I have to quit that shit, I am going to end up making myself sick again. The sadder I get, the more I try to destroy myself over and over again. I keep telling myself I have to stop that, I am not immortal by any means. I keep reminding myself I am living on borrowed time. Maybe my mother was right, since day one I have had an eating disorder. For years she used to berate me and belittle me. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I traded one cage after one cage after another cage. Now I am married to the male version of my mother.



I am really trying hard not to make this a pathetic whiny entry. I don’t even know why I am bawling my heart oout while I am writing this. There must be something wrong with me. My fragile mask has cracked into my soul apparently. I guess I needed to shed more tears in order to purge my soul.



It’s going to be another sleepless night for me. I may as well try to learn something new. For once I am havig a hard time to write.

damn food is hard to give up. I got sick again. Too sick. I feel better now that I chewed on something raw and to celebrate I kept eating food. I need to figure out a way to quit it to the point when i ingest food it doesnt make me sick. I guess I could use the lie I'm allergic. But I am not sure which foods is making me sick. I already laugh and lie about the sun bothering me. I just don't have any answers. Im so hungry all the time.

Its been a long day from hell. I need to relax. There is just too much going on right now so relaxing is out of the equation.

Before I could do any damage to myself I got sick. Too sick. I can't let my weakness take over anymore. Its too risky right now. I can't leave her. I just get so angry at times because I really am nothing to no one. I have to figure out my eating habits. What I am doing is not working. Sigh. Now because of all of this I am super super behind on the bills.

I can’t do this anymore. following my heart has got me nowhere but in painful situations. I am drowning I can’t keep afloat. I can’t keep waiting on something better to happen. The next time i try to leave and he says the words no one would want me I am going to slit his throat. The next time I try to leave and he tries to blackmail me….. I am trying so hard to be a better person but it keeps failing. I am sittinng here crying my heart out to no one but this damned journal. no one knows how miserable I am. no one will know until iit’s too late. maybe its already too late. I'm destined to be alone anyways........

so i am tired of being alone. i did a little spell. it was't meant to hurt anyone, i just wated a dream of my soul mate. so i got my special dream alright. i went on fb and poked the person my dream was about. in the dream he hesitated despite his feelings for me which got me killed. once he brought me back to life in every new life since i destroy myself and keep dying. it was such a nightmare. the sad thing is the person i poked is about as clueless as they come. i'm just sad. if my spell worked i'm destined to be alone. sigh.

Ugh! Its one clusterfuck after another. Struggle after struggle. There is no hope. Im doing my best but the universe has decided its not good enough. I dont think i have ever been this miserable even when I was with sob#1. Am i being punished?

I actually stsrted flirting with a couple of men tonight. Surprised myself. I know I should feel guilty but I don't, I won't. Its been years since I was happy. Things ate still the same even though the idiot has decided I am worth fighting for. My heart doesn't belong to him, nor will it.

Lol so I caught sob #2 doing a background check on me today. He will only find what little I want him to find. It just struck me funny. now he is worried about who he married. now he wants to keep me.

REALLY??? So its true then all he wats from me is sex and money. he doesn't care anything about me. I am so sick of his shit. The constant bullying and nagging is driving me insane. I guess its a good thing I gave up on love a long time ago. Otherwise this would have shattered me. Then he has the nerve to get angry with me for not putting out. I'm suddenly so unaffectionate. fuck him. what a douche. I'm just so lost and empty feeling. My resentment for him grows day by day. All i can think of is maybe I am the problem. I don't know anymore. I have never known love to be true to me and stay with me through it all.

I can't believe the day. It was supposed to be special. It was just another day ruined by the fucking idiot. Why is he even with me? Why doesn't he just leave? My misery must be his pleasure. I hate him. Why doesa he insist with this charade of "loving" me? He doesn't love me, he hasn't in many years. I write in this damn journal instead of talking to someone. I thought about downloading chat apps, but they seem too impersonal. sigh. Im going to bed at least I can take comfort in my nightmares. Fuck everything and everyone else.

Another day ruined I fucking hate him. Last night i dreamt of a tornado. I could only imagine what that means. Sigh everything is such a mess.

It’s been a rough week to say the least. I am healing ok for the most part. Work is back to really treating me like a dog. They have no mercy for me, even though I am injured. I am tired of it all. SOB# 2 is really really grating on my nerves. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday here in a few days. He meant something monetary of course. I don’t know how to tell him I don’t really want much of anything. I don’t really want something monetary, I want something with depth. Something from the heart that means something to me. If I am being totally honest what I want is for my heart to beat again like it used to with Mr. N or Ex. I want to be swept of my feet by someone who actually gives a damn about me. Who would fight the entire Earth to keep me. I want that true love that can only be found in movies or books. But since none of that really exists, I don’t want anything. I just want to be able to enjoy my birthday without the fucker making me cry like he has for some many birthdays before. I just want to be happy. I am so sick of the constant bickering and fighting. I want something new, mysterious, magical. Something true. I thought about cheating again. I am not a cheater but the thrill of being caught almost seems appetizing to me. Almost. I would never do anything to hurt her, but she loves the idiot so much. I wish that he would just go away forever. I could take it, I know evernually if I reminded her that he was always angry I could convince her it was good for the both of us. His father has been staying with us for months now. I hate him. I hate everything about that man. I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life. I hate him worse than both SOB. But I can't say anything about it. What I really want is something to make things more bearable. Like that song painkiller by three days grace. But these are all just useless wishes. WIshes don't come true.



The medicine that is supposed to take away my nightmares has actually increased them. They are on another level now. I am not really sure how to take them to be honest. I wake up even more exhausted for the simple fact that I am tossing and turning all night. I have been waking up with my legs bruised from the constant running in my dreams. Sob#2 doesn't understand how deeply I feel about my dreams. He doesn't know that I have to make sure none of them came true while I was sleeping. He just comments they are just dreams get over it. He doesn't believe in anything. I am really looking forward to the future that doesn't hold him in it. I wish I was rich so I could pay him to disappear for the rest of my life. lol just another useless wish.



I got too much sun again. Another lie about the sun.

I'm getting better about lying.I hate lying. But why should I be honest with someone who doesn't even hold my heart. Besides its not something I can easily prove. I wish there was one person who I could share my secrets to. I wish I had someone to talk to who wouldn't run. I do this every year close to my birthday. Wishing for stuff I can't have or experience.



“I am a volcano full of lust.” it may be a line out of a movie but its how I feel. I miss good sex, the type that can curl my toes. Sex with the sob #2 is boring. But its sex. Sex is just an act. I've never achieved any personal release from him. It's been so many years since anyone has done that for me. I have forgotten the feeling. Everything is so violent for me because I haven't felt any sort of passion. So the rougher it gets the more I enjoy it. But I hate that. The more I think about it, the more I am enjoying pain. It's the only time I feel alive is thru pain. It shouldn't be like that. I'm afraid I'm dying inside. I'm afraid my heart has broken too many times and now there is nothing left.

A nightmare about sob#1just fucking great

Today was too long. I shouldn't have went back so soon

I need to rest

What a fucked up dream!

*gags**shudders* omg I'm never preparing raw liver that way!!!?!!? Omg so nasty. *Gags* even swallowing a piece whole still didn't mask the nasty flavor. I mean I feel better but damn that was just plain nasty. Lesson learned!

So disappointed. This downtime couldn't be going any worse to be honest. The selfishnessof sob #2 knows no bounds. I mean his biggest concerns are not even about me or how I am healing. Such a shame. Mr. N called Ms. J fat to be honest that's one way to make me angry at you. Being shallow has never been cool to me. See my entire life my mom called me fat. I was so skinny at one point you could see my ribs. Yet every single day that wan called me fat and ugly. Now whenever I hear someone else saying that regardless of to whom it boils my blood. Almost as much as sob #2 demanding money and sex after my first surgery. So congrats to Mr. N for tying himself on the same level with sob #2. I guess it's a good thing I wasn't countingon him for anything. I've have learned Never to count on anyone but me. In the end I am going to be the only one that's sticking around me. Cheers to being alone forever.